So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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