my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
