1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
