Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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