3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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