Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I puked a lego.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
