is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
