she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
