I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
