I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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