I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
