bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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