I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
