omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Randomize
