Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
