my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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