The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
