I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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