remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
