My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
