Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
