new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
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And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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