she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
