I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
