so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
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i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
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Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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