you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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