the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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