Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
