Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
