video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
