what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
