just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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