i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
