I showed him my bush... on skype.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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