I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
third nipple confirmed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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