Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
