So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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