I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
