Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
