why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
