the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
