my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
