he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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