You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just googled if crying burns calories
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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