In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
