why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
