Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
