Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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