I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Found the puke drawer
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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