ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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