Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
