Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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