def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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